Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
a badder mouse
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.