The “research” scene in every horror movie
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready