[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.