Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?