If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
You Might Also Like
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣