Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
No laws when master is gone
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.