you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.