*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries