Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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Today’s Times
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.