Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats