Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
the rocks need my help
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad