I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
the prophecy has been fulfilled
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀