A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You Might Also Like
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again