Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
You Might Also Like
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
What flavor cupcake are these
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this