I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
You Might Also Like
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
For the ones in the back.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.