I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
#MeanwhileInCanada
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.