BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Breaking news:
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good