Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
They grow up so quick
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout