…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The struggle is real
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.