The French cow says MEUX…
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”