So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.