I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.