I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.