On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts