WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?