A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.