Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Noted.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown