With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Going into Monday like
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
A bold strategy
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?