thank god
You Might Also Like
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”