Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
bro what is going on at twitter
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.