Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Pass gas, not judgment.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
choose your fighter
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”