[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Finally, an explanation.