Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.