Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.