I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7