*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
This kid is a star!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire