Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.