Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Smile they said.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…