People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
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[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
how high up are we talkin’?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.