sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*