Eye Exam Lamaze Class
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Dilated Pupils
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you