Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You Might Also Like
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Those are good neighbors.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
my astrological sign is a french fry
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!