Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Meanwhile in Portland…
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.