Seems kinda suspicious
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Sorry. Not sorry
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”