The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
DOOO EEEET
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”