Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I am also baked goods
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him