I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
fixed it
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July