The Wolf of Wall Street.
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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.