first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting