My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My life coach traded me.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started